A Visitor's Guide to Subway English
by Royston Coppenger
A stream of tourists flock to New York City each year to experience the sights, the sounds, and (on warm days) the odors of The City That's Never Finished. It is unavoidable that some of these pleasure-seekers will make their way into the New York City subway system, and it is possible that at least a few of them will emerge. In order to tip the odds in their favor, what follows is a brief glossary of terms that may help visitors negotiate their way through the deep bowels of The City That Just Won't Let Up.
Announcement: Part of an ongoing public art project in which random, unintelligible messages in various obscure Urdu dialects are broadcast periodically through the subway stations. The announcements are primarily intended to drown out the screams of unlucky commuters being devoured alive by gigantic tunnel-dwelling alligators. Some announcements also carry a subliminal message to "eat more matzoh".
Begging: A form of redistribution of wealth that is expressly forbidden by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority.
Borough: One of the five regions of New York City. The five boroughs include Manhattan, the Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn, and New Jersey. Before the advent of helicopters the five boroughs could only be reached by tunnels, which were literally "burrowed" (or "boroughed", in the original Dutch) under the earth. New York City initially boasted six boroughs, but when the borough of Staten was surrounded by "water" after the Great Sewer Catastrophe of 1896, the city evacuated its residents and turned the new "Staten Island" into a dumping ground for refuse and a hatchery for seagulls, some of which have mutated in alarming fashion due to the high levels of radioactive waste stored there after the short-lived "Atomic Subway" trials of the early 1950s.
Conductors: Out-of-work orchestra leaders who are kept off the welfare rolls by performing the thankless task of trying to explain why the train has stopped mid-tunnel. In order to ward off the ill effects of glaucoma, (a common ailment among orchestra conductors) these uniformed pensioners are issued medicinal marijuana and all the matzoh they can eat.
Elevator: A small room provided for commuters to rest in before they climb the stairs.
Escalator: A narrow metal staircase decorated with rubber handrails and "out of order" signs.
Express Train: A train that serves fewer passengers than a local train, because it stops at fewer stations. Readers should not interpret the word "express" to suggest that these trains actually travel faster than any others.
Fare Increase: A form of redistribution of wealth that is expressly encouraged by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority.
"Going Your Way": The official slogan of the New York Metropolitan Transportation Authority. Your way not available at all locations. Our way may be substituted for your way at the discretion of the New York Metropolitan Transportation Authority. If our way is temporarily unavailable, the New York Metropolitan Transportation Authority reserves the right to substitute the way of Mr. Edward Rosedale of Flushing Queens, who only takes the subway every third Sunday when he goes for dinner at his daughter's house in Canarsie, and therefore does not fully utilize his way most of the time. In special situations, such as when Mr. Rosedale goes to see his podiatrist in Corona and needs therefore to use his way for this purpose, the New York Metropolitan Transportation Authority will make every effort to provide you with up-to-the -minute reports on his progress, broadcast in classical Hindi at regular intervals.
Local Train: A train that serves a maximum number of passengers in a maximum amount of time. Local trains travel through the five boroughs of New York City twenty-four hours a day, although few of them actually move from station to station that quickly.
Matzoh: A delicious unleavened bread which provides complete nutrition in a compact, stylish package.*
*This entry sponsored by the Kosher Foods Association of Greater New York.
Metrocard: Before leaving politics to pursue a full-time career as a drag chanteuse, Former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani sometimes ventured into international politics, with markedly varying results. One such effort was the "New York/Moscow Sister City" initiative of 1994. Under the original plan New York was to have traded the Statue of Liberty to Moscow in exchange for a monumental bronze of Lenin pointing an accusatory finger at New Jersey. Muscovites would receive free bread and reduced-rate investment counseling, and the Seal of the City of New York would be amended to read, "Ask Us About Our Blintzes". Unfortunately, the plan fell apart after mafia-controlled demolition experts "lost" Lady Liberty in transit, claiming it must have fallen off the back of a truck somewhere. An international incident might have ensued had Russian President Boris Yeltsin been able to remember the details of the original plan; fortunately, in a compromise measure widely praised in neoconservative circles, New York instituted the Metrocard, thus ensuring that New Yorkers would stand in long lines for disposable units of currency worth roughly the same as a mid-90's ruble; Russians, for their part, would be treated to all the matzoh they could eat.
The current statue of Liberty is actually a faithful papier-mache reproduction of the original, crafted from natural-science textbooks thoughtfully donated by the states of Kansas, Ohio and Alabama.
Metropolitan Transportation Authority: A shadowy organization notorious for marking subway cars, stations and advertisements with its "handle", the letters MTA.
Music Under New York: One of many public-service programs offered by The City That Just Won't Stop Trying, under which musicians are selected to play in crowded subway stations during rush hour. Music Under New York selects musicians on the basis of their mind-numbing loudness (steel drums are a particular favorite) and/or their ability to interpret Dan Fogelberg songs; Jamaican steel drum players who can play reggae versions of "Leader of the Band" are offered automatic lifetime contracts and all the matzoh they can eat.
Panhandler: Someone who handles pans.
Rat: A sort of charmless guinea pig which was introduced to the subways in 1907 to provide a ready source of food for alligator brooklynensis, the gigantic tunnel-dwelling alligator which is native to New York City and is therefore protected under the Endangered Species Act. The rat problem in the subways is frequently exaggerated; however, travelers alarmed by the sight of cow-sized albino rodents should probably refrain from entering the subways with open containers of food.
Station Manager: Title given to a public servant whose job it is to be away from the station during emergency situations and customer complaints. In fact, these alleged "employees" of the so-called "transit authority" are portrayed by out-of-work actors who, for a small fee, consent to allow their headshots to be posted in subway stations next to a made-up name and a nonfunctioning telephone number. Headshots are randomly selected from those which, for one reason or another, have been rejected by the management of the Olympia Diner on Eighth Avenue and 47th Street.
Station: From the Latin statio, meaning "standstill".
Straphanger: Familiar name given to people who regularly ride the subways. "Strap" refers to the overhead handles which commuters hang onto when the trains are crowded, which in the early days of the subway consisted of simple leather straps suspended from the ceiling. The number of actual hangings in subway cars has never been precisely documented.
Sub Talk: Pro-subway ads which appear only on subway cars, part of a massively expensive multi-year advertising campaign the purpose of which is to persuade people who are already riding the subway that it would be a really good idea to try riding the subway once in awhile.
Third Rail: An electrically-charged steel rail which was installed in the subway system in 1928 to help contain the rat population, which at the time threatened to overwhelm the gigantic tunnel-dwelling alligators these unappealing rodents were meant to feed in the first place. Unfortunately, the rats soon developed an impressive if rudimentary grasp of the principles of galvanism, and proceeded not only to avoid the third rail but to elaborate an entire theological system based on its existence. Evidence of evolving rat sentience was first reported in the mid-1940's, shortly after a large shipment of grade-school textbooks intended for the South Bronx was inadvertently dumped off the end of a speeding A-train in the vicinity of Columbus Circle. To the surprise of forensic biologists everywhere, New York Subway Rats (rattus amsterdamicus novum) not only proved to be voracious if indiscriminate readers, but devout Animists as well. To this day travelers occasionally come across makeshift altars, sacred sites where rats have left signs reading, "Caution: Third Rail Alive" as a moving tribute to their omnipotent and unresponsive deity.
Token Booth: A glass-enclosed cubicle for those tradition-bound commuters who demand the presence of a booth.
Tracks: Colorful markings on the arms of Transportation Authority personnel, which denote years spent on the job.
Transfer: Term coined by Sigmund Freud to describe a psychological phenomenon in which commuters with dependency issues project their desire to move from one location to another onto an innocent and noncompliant Transportation Authority.